Intelligence sources state that the worlds most wanted criminal, Osama Bin Laden, has been found and killed in a mansion in the Middle East. Government officials say the Inteligence they gained from top secret agents, Christopher Portugal and Michael Turner a.k.a., People Under The Stairs a.k.a., "the Duo" led U.S. Military forces directly to the known fugitive. President Obama had this to say: "After countless hours of searching, working closely with our foriegn allies and stretching our budget and resources to point of exhaustion, we had no other choice but to call on the worlds most dangerous, most prolific and most gansta ass MC's... the People...Under the Stairs. We owe our most sincere gratitude to these two gentlemen, who not only led us to Bin Laden but were side by side with our armed forces when they lured him out. America thanks you...yall some crazy mutha fuka's."
An anonymous source who witnessed the event had this to say about what took place: "I was chillin in my cave, eatin some baba ghannouj when i heard what sounded like George Clintons "Booty Body Ready for the Plush Funk" so i peaked my head out of the ground and sho nuff, there's like 500 tanks, helicopters and jet fighters surrounding some big ass mud hut! When i looked a little closer, I seen a spotlight shining down on this mexican dude wit a mic and some big black foo on the turntables!"
It turns out that Bin Laden is a huge fan of P Funk music and hasn't been able to listen to it for the past 10 years while hiding in cave dwellings with no electricity. As the music got louder, Bin Laden got closer. Slowly pop locking his way to the main entrance. Agent Thes 00 One had the soldiers chanting repeatedly, "Obama, is in the house! Bin Laden gon turn it out!" It was too much for Bin Laden to resist as he tried his hardest not to open the front gate, but the funk overcame his body and as soon as the gate opened he was struck by a hail of bad music, scratched by agent KK. Songs from "the Neptunes", teen soap opera star "Drake", T.I., Chingy, young Jeezy and Kanye West were included in the furious mix that killed Bin Laden instantly. It was a gruesome scene.
Shortly after, the two MC's were beamed up to the mother ship and shot to the stars in the blink of an eye, as the citizens of Afghanistan held lighters and candles to the sky, swaying back and forth while singing "San Francisco Nights". The world can sleep a little easier now. Thanks to these 2 brave souls wit soul. We thank you Thes One and Double K for providing us with the music that makes this world a better place.